Cupid's Trick

At university, it took me a long time to break free from the restrictions of superimposed forms on music. I had for a long time had a desire to compose a piano sonata in the strict sense. I had studied form and I thought I had understood it's importance in music. Indeed, it is important, but I believed it to be a point of departure in composition. This raised quite a few problems in that it restricted what I could do and how I could compose. Indeed, I was merely a prisoner to these forms, believing anything outside of them would be completely unjustified and therefore, fairly worthless. It completely hindered my progress, because I didn't know how to compose meaningfully around them. However, a good long hard struggle with this saw me break free of form entirely. This was equally troublesome. I explored this at depth in an earlier blog about being able to see all my materials, but being almost blinded by them, not knowing where to start or finish or where to go in between. I had come to a place where I understood that form was important, but is to be used with the knowledge the materials at hand and in the correct context. We cannot superimpose a form unsuitable to the composition being composed, lest it becomes mundane or unlistenable.

I was thinking about this as I walked home from my afternoon shift at the pub. I don't think it's an approach that is too far from that one should have in life. I am fairly unhappy in life at the moment. I could go round in circles trying to avoid the reason why I am unhappy, because I'm not happy with my own attitude that has caused it. However, I believe it is because I am craving a life I do not have here in Thatcham. I came back home from London (which was not always awesome, we must realise!!) and almost immediately wanted to be back in London. Why? I suppose because I had many friends, a decent church to go to (which I enjoyed going to) and I enjoyed London, albeit with many paradoxes. It excited me and I felt I was heading somewhere. Here, I am working in a pub, having failed to complete my degree and I am unable to find a job I actually want to be in. I listen to Elliot Smith's words with a perculiar poignancy...

"I hope you're not waiting, waiting around for me, because I'm not going anywhere, obviously."

I feel utterly stagnant and useless. I have turned bitter and angry. All because I cannot have what I want. That is amazingly selfish and shortsighted of me. The fact is I'm utterly confused with my life. I have composed a situation in my head where I imagine I will be happy if I conform to a form. A form I have constructed in my own head and that I'm trying to fit into, of success and status. My recent understanding of form in music should tell me something here, I think. I think now that if I try to fit my life into an abstract form (that perhaps I have invented or "society" has imposed onto me), because I suppose it will make me happy, I am in for a disappointment.
The truth is we all do it. We all say "if only I had this, things would be OK" or "if only I was here, things would sort themselves out". What nonsense. It doesn't work. It's proven. There are those who live in massive houses, have oodles of money, a high-paid job, many friends, but who are not happy in the least. As Bob Dylan once penned...

"How many times have you heard someone say, 'If I had money, I could do things my way'?"

It is the way of a world obsessed with possession, status and self-furtherment in the name of happiness and is something I see now that I have begun to fall into. It is a world obsessed with the present and not the future.

But I call myself a Christian, and it is shameful for me to be a part of that mentality. Listen to Paul's words...

"For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself."

Philippians 3:18-21

My future is in heaven, so why should I crave now earthly things? It is remarkable that I could invent for myself a form I should conform to, a form of earthly success and status and a happiness that comes not from Jesus, but from "early things". The fact is, that form and my happiness and satisfaction are incompatible. But I have been craving those things of late and I suppose that has what has made me so unhappy. I don't think it's going to be easy to change my heart on this. I know in my head that my searching for a satisfaction in life that is not from God is hopeless, yet it is so difficult for me to stop searching. I pray that the Lord Jesus will change my focus and my heart, to crave Him only and to focus purely on heaven. I know that knowing Jesus is to know Love, and to have the assurances of His love and my salvation, and an eternal relationship with God, must bring untold joy!! Perhaps it is that I am so cynical that I find it hard to trust His promise, but I know He is trustworthy and that the "form" that will work for me is the one He has set aside for me.

I have more to say, but it'll have to wait, because I've got to get back to work.
It seems lyricists always have the right words...

"All my life, I thought I needed all the things I didn't need at all"

A year in music - 2005

Everybody knows that music can evoke strong memories. I find it fascinating. It places one mentally straight back to where they once were and I really enjoy it. It's somewhat nostalgic, it can be a bit sad and also equally exhilirating. So, I'm going to document some of the past few years in music for you all to see. This time, it's this year - 2005!! Here goes...

Happiness - Elliott Smith

This song does not yet evoke any memories, but I'm damn sure it will. It's the one song I've listened to more of in the last two weeks and has captured my feelings of misery and defiance in one.
"What I used to be will pass away and then you see / All I want now is happiness for you and me."
OK, I'm not sure I should be thinking like this, but perhaps it's OK to be really open and honest in this blog, because let's face it, the only people who read it are those who know me really well anyway!!

Little Arithmetics - dEUS

The sound of failure. This is actually a pretty happy song, but it was on a fellow musicians iTunes shared list on Music department's network, and I liked it. I cannot hear this song without being haunted by the thoughts of my 'Tube Music' efforts - a piece of music I have not yet finished and continues to irritate the hell out of me. When it is finished, I reckon this song should be played as an intro...

Pictures of Me - Elliott Smith

...trudges along with a kind of faux-optimism with a bit of anger. Songs to me seem to evoke more emotion if the lyrics fit, or at least some of them...
"So sick and tired of all these pictures of me. Completely wrong, totally wrong."
Yeah. I felt a little misunderstood by lecturers at Goldsmiths'. Few of them seemed to understand that my own personal composition development was moving fast and I had a lot to consider. That affected my work in an adverse way. As you'll all know, I haven't yet passed my degree, and I'm sure some people still think this was down to sheer laziness. They were, and are ,wrong. Completely wrong, totally wrong.

Beautiful Child - Rufus Wainwright

Takes me back to the European Cup Final. Liverpool vs. AC Milan. (Note to anyone who does not know - I have been a bit of a hardcore Liverpool FC fan for as long as I can remember) What an awesome night!! I travelled home from London purely to watch the game with my brother in Newbury and arrived late. Just in time though to see Milan put in their third of the first half. I got a couple of pints from the bar and awaited a bit more of a thumping and a dejected journey home. I instead witness an amazing turn around and Liverpool win their first European cup since 1984. I went a bit crazy, but it was just fantastic. This song was played in my iPod that night, only by coincidence, but had all the victoriousness of that night. Fantastic.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk (Reprise) - Rufus Wainwright

This one's for my favourite ex-flatmate :-) I bought 'Poses' by Rufus Wainwright at the beginning of the year and liked all of the songs, but I admitted that I often skipped though tracks and I didn't listen to this, the last track. Conversation regarding this decision ensued and the tune, rather irritatingly, became lodged in my head for a good while as a result. So now, whenever I hear it, it now reminds me of those Chesterman 8 days!!

Anyhoo, that's enough for now. Maybe some more later...

Goldsmiths, shame on you...

Today, I received one of the most threatening letters I have for a while. It read thus...

Dear Mr Farnsworth,

Following your recent examinations I am sorry to have to inform you that you have not, on this occasion, passed sufficient examinations to permit you to proceed to the next year of your programme of study, or if appropriate to graduate. Notification of your results are enclosed. For any fail recorded on your transcript you must abide by the Examiners instructions shown and re-sit next year. If your failure is due to absence or non-submission you should be aware that you have not completed your programme of study and therefore will not be able to graduate until all elements have been attempted.

You can redeem your failure this academic session by re-entering your examinations. In considering your results the Examiners agreed that it would be in your interests to attend College as a part-time student this session. You may also retake your examinationswithout attending College, although this would be against the advice of the Examiners. Tuition fees for this session can be obtained from the Fees and Awards Office on 020 7919 7528. An examination re-entry fee would be payable of £80 per unit entered up to a maximum of £400. Overseas students should be aware that
registering to retake examinations without attending College may affect your right to reside in this country as immigration rules normally require that you are registered as a full-time student. You are advised to check your position very carefully. Should you feel you need any further guidance or advice please make an appointment to see your Head of Department.

You should be aware that you will receive an Assessment Confirmation Form/Misconduct Form via your department later this term. This is to confirm your examination assessments and failure to return this form by the date given will result in a late penalty fee of at least £15.

Yours sincerely,
Ms Pamela Beevers

I shudder to think of the reaction of one (possibly a foreign student) who receives this letter, but unlike me, did not know they were to fail. Not only are they to cope with the reality that despite the horrendous amounts of money that Goldsmiths' charge not only for fees, but accommodation, food, books and anything else they can force hard-up students to pay for, but they also have to deal with this rude and threatening letter. Misconduct form? Is failure misconduct now? Shameless.

Nice one, Ms Beevers and Goldsmiths. No, really. Well done.