If only I could loosen my grip...

I don't know how to start this post...
I started work at HomeChoice on Wednesday and since, everything with the job has been really great! I get on with my colleagues, I enjoy the work and I think making pretty good progress at learning the job. It doesn't really feel like a job - I think I would do it for free if I could afford it. It's one of those 'too good to be true' moments, that causes my inherently cynical and anxious self to fear what could take it away from me. Those who know me well know that I have a need to be in control to feel secure. However, I cannot remember the last time I was in control, and I guess it's somewhat inevitable that I have attempted to secure down things in my life that I value. I suppose at the moment, I feel anxious about my job security (which sounds odd, having just started), knowing I have very little control over this. What I do know is that God is fully in control, and I think that my anxiety is revealing of a lack of trust in His plan for my life.
A big problem is that I sin. I am a deviant and my natural inclination is to do those things which God does not want me to do. I really hate that I cannot walk straight, but instead veer into sin at most nearly every opportunity. But I know I am not alone in this. Paul in Romans 7:15 said, "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." This is just how I feel. And because I am a control-freak, I have been trying to fix my own sin, despite the encouragement of good friends to surrender myself, including my control obsession, to Jesus, and let Him be Lord!! Of course, I fail. I cannot fix myself, and after concerted efforts to 'walk straight', I wander off again. Then I panic - "What if God punishes me by taking away my job?" I think this shows a number of things - 1, I have been valuing a career over God, 2, I don't trust God's plan for my life, and 3, I forget Jesus.
I think a major part of my problem is that I'm having a hard time accepting that my life is not my own anymore. I belong to Jesus. I'm struggling to keep on track, largely because trying to do what God asks of me is impossible without God, yet this is what I have been trying to do. I can't do it, and when I seek to guarantee security for myself, I find I can't guarantee a thing for myself in an uncertain world. I was reading an article on the 'net about the right Christian response to sin (I can't remember the source - maybe I'll post it later) and it said that it's hopeless attempting to fix sin on our own. How true these words are!!! And how foolish I have been to have clung so closely to control of my own life that I try to sort myself out and not let God even a look-in. It's time for me to submit to Jesus, and to give Him my struggles, my sin, my work, my anxiety and anything else that I've kept for myself for this long. I hope I can let go of them.

*This blog was posted whilst listening to Kings of Convenience, Ben Harper and The Danielson Famile.

Tagged!....

So, I have been 'tagged' by my friend, Dame C. This means I get to tell you all five things, that perhaps, you may not have known about me. I must add, I've had to take a little time to think of things, so sorry it's a little tardy.

Here we go, 5 Things You Maybe , Perhaps Didn't Know About Me...

1. I have a wierd 'penchant' for typeface. I'm entirely sure why, but I've always seen fonts as quite important, they seem to add to the meaning and appearance of a word. It doesn't just end at saying, say... "I like Myriad Pro (which incidentally, is the Apple font)", some words look better in some fonts than others. In fact, I may even go so far as to say some word only look right in a certain font. Not quite sure at the moment. When I do I'll let you know. I guess as a 'spin off' to this 'thing-you-maybe-perhaps-didn't-know-about-me', is that I also like the look of certain words, separate from their meaning, like 'Arc' or 'glib'. Anyway, that's number one.

2. I can't throw away London Travelcards. OK, this is maybe a little odd. I'm not sure why I collect all of them, but I have in the past deliberately kept some for use as bookmarks. In fact, most of my books either have a london travelcard somewhere in the middle or at the end! And also, when I was a kid and we went to London on a trip, I used to keep the card as a momento of my day. I suppose keeping them has just become habit!! So, below is a picture of the cards I had on my desk this morning. I don't know where the rest are. (other than those in books!)



3. Although I count myself as 'serious' music lover and apologist of the new and avant-garde, I still enjoy music by Billy Joel, Norah Jones, David Gray and Queen.

4. I don't like sleeping, which, if I'm honest, is a bit odd. I'm trying to work this one out, but I can't. Maybe it isn't so much that I don't like sleeping, but rather I don't like going to bed. I'd sooner fall asleep watching TV or listening to music whilst lounging on the sofa.

5. When I was around 7 or 8, I guess, I started violin lessons at school (I had already begun to study the piano before this). For the first year I really enjoyed it, although never put in too much practice, but in the second year we had a really horrible violin teacher, who, when it came down to 'appraisals' (what else can I call them?), mistook me for somebody else, ripped into me for being uncommitted and lazy, and..... made me cry. Only the next day did she tell me she'd made a mistake, but she never apologised. I quit the lessons, and to this day, the violin remains my least favourite instrument, even to the point of disliking most violin music.

Right... who to tag next? I'm tagging..
Ben K.
K.C.
Debbibuzz
Schmoward
Scott (intrisically, yeah!)


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I don't believe it!!

Nearly a year ago, I started work on a work called 'Tube Music', inspired by the London Underground map. I still haven't finished it, but somebody has beat me to the music/tube thing. I saw this only the other day. Some guy from The Guardian made a London tube map with musicians as the stations.
I believe you may download it here...
and buy a print here.

I could talk for ages about it, but I think I'll suffice by saying my favourite and most appropriate entry must be Nick Drake as Wapping, in light of his songs 'River Man', 'Three Hours (to London)' and 'At the chime of a city clock'.

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I don't think I've ever put so many links in one post!!
Have fun, Y'all!!!